Scared of the good

Ok so remember when I was saying before that it is so hard for things to be good all at once? Well here is a prime example. Everything was actually going really good. I get worried when that happens because I think it is too good to be true and also from past experience, I have found that when things are going good, something bad happens. The better things are, the worse the bad thing is. And that scares me to death! I have actually talked to my therapist about that fear too. But time and time again, my theory proves me right. I don’t even know any more if I create it or if it is in my imagination but I swear, it does happen.

Anyways, things were going really good. Then I thought, oh I better go get an exam at the doctors because I hadn’t had one for a long time and for some reason the universe was telling me to go (I will talk more about my relationship with the universe later). Well guess what, they found a lump in my breast! I was not expecting that. It could be other things besides cancer but of course I was worried about it. I am under 40 and no family history of cancer but turns out, that doesn’t even matter, anyone can get it. Cancer does not discriminate!

So of course, knowing that things were going so good, I did fear cancer. The doctor said he didn’t feel like the standard cancer lump though, but did refer me to general surgery for an ultra sound and mammogram. I scheduled it for as soon as possible and those two days I had to wait were agonizing. I just kept thinking I wanted to be here for my baby as he grows and read all the millions of horror stories online of people and moms just like me. That was not good. Should not have done that!

Well as I am waiting in that extremely, icy cold room after the mammogram, I just kept thinking how any minute my life could change forever and about all of those women who came before who sat on that same stool, shirtless, scared and freezing.

Luckily and Thank Goodness it was not cancer! I seriously felt like I was getting a second chance on life! I was walking on air and so happy. Things were actually still good and I was alive!! I felt like things were even better than before even! Which also made me nervous cause how long could it last?

Ok, well here it is, about 5 days later. A couple days ago my husband gasped and yelled, “what the hell is wrong with your eye!?” I looked in the mirror and it was bright red and full of blood in my eye. I didn’t panic but looked it up online and am almost positive it is a broken blood vessel. Usually that is nothing to worry about, although it is extremely creepy looking. However, it is now day 3 and it looks like there is something stuck on my eye!

So here I go, off to the doctors again. Wish me luck that this is just another freak thing that will turn out perfectly ok and good days are still among me!


While at the doctors, he told me that I have had way too much craziness in my life and that I need to go on a vacation. I told him that I normally don’t travel but he told me that I don’t have a choice and that he’s prescribing it! (Not sure you can actually do that…) He has a sister that works for a travel company called Maui Vacation Packages, and said she would give me a good deal on a vacation package to Maui. So called her up and went on her site Let’s hope something doesn’t happen bad when i’m there.

Happy Days

Today is a new day. I am actually happier today than I was yesterday and that is hard to beat! Ok I am just going to go with it and try to not be paranoid about what’s to come. I am just going to focus on the now and enjoy the moment.

I am happy today because I have been in a situation with my dad. He is 62 years old and we live far from each other and in different states. He has some health issues. He has alopecia, which means he has zero hair. No hair anywhere. Not on his head, his face, no eye brows, eye lashes or any body hair. It is really awful for him because he hates the way that he looks and totally believes that everyone that sees him thinks he is a complete freak. So that has been hard.

Aside from that, his skin is extremely sensitive. He has to be careful in the sun of course but worse yet, it has become very thin and weak. If he touches anything, according to him and to use his descriptive words, “it completely melts and oozes off.” Sounds unbearable and absolutely scary and disgusting right?

Ok so there is his hair and his skin, but not only that, he also doesn’t eat much. He is rail thin and not healthy at all. The funny thing though is that he is a complete health and exercise nut. All organic, love that and I try to feed my family that way too but he doesn’t really eat much. He eats nuts and berries and some potatoes. Just weird combinations and not much at all. He doesn’t really believe in medicine and hates doctors so it has been impossible for him to get any help. Especially since I am so far away.

There is a lot more to the story but I want to get to the happy parts. Oh ya, before I get to happy, I forgot to mention that he lives alone and is a complete recluse. He is a writer and an artist and all he has done is hide out in his tiny 400 square foot room for the last 20 years. He pretty much still loves my mom but they got divorced 30 years ago and he says he has no desire to meet anyone else.

Needless to say, it has been rough. Day in and day out I try to take care of him from 2100 miles away because all he has is me and my sister and neither of us can uproot and move there (lots more to that story too). Last week we got into an argument over the phone, which had become the norm. After that call I decided to reach out to my aunt, my dad’s sister. She lives in the next town over. In fact, he has 2 brothers and a sister right in the same area! I had been reluctant to do so because he was kind of estranged from his family and I didn’t want to go behind his back and do something he didn’t want me to do. Well, I could not be happier that I contacted her. She is so great and helping him and me so much! She is cooking him a week’s worth of delicious meals and bringing it to him every Tuesday. She brought him medicine for his wounds and with her help, we are going to get him to the doctors to see what is going on. She has been in touch with the rest of the siblings and they are all stepping in to nurse my dad back to health. We have been in contact daily and she has been such a blessing!

I was worried my dad wouldn’t go for it but I spoke with him yesterday and he is so happy, and already sounds healthier and stronger. He even said he is realizing he does not want to be alone anymore and that he is ready to do whatever it takes to get healthy and be happy. That is such a huge and amazing step and to hear him say that was music to my ears!

Still Patching

Have you started patching your life together yet? My latest “patch” was trying to find a solution to the situation with my dad’s medical issues. I was hoping we could just get him to a doctor and find out what to do next but I called a few doctors in his area today and they all basically said they couldn’t help. He is low income and does not have insurance plus he has a lot of issues so they say it would just add up to the thousands of dollars.

I’m bummed about this. The best advice I received was from a mobile doctor I got. I called her because I know he would be more comfortable with a doctor going to his home but it doesn’t sound like I can find any doctor that can help. I know that if he goes to the county Emergency Room he will have an awful experience and they will just poke and prod him and he will really hate it. It would stress him out beyond belief. But he needs medical help and according to that doctor she said it sounds like an emergency. That really freaked me out.

I contacted my aunt who has been helping. I am just waiting to hear what she says. I wish they would just pick him up and take him to a doctor they know and just have him looked at. I just want to have him checked out. We need to know if his wounds are just from thin skin and treatable, or if they are staph or even cancer. I know he is suffering and we just need to get it fixed but it’s like everything is working against us.

I have a love-hate relationship with the medical world. I grew up in it though. My mom is a registered nurse and has worked in numerous fields throughout the industry. I basically grew up in a doctor’s office. I think they used to be better. Now, more than ever it is mostly run by the pharmaceutical companies and money hungry US giants that even when doctors want to help, their hands are tied. It is so sad and I try my hardest to not have to deal with it but I always do. Especially with a baby and a dad with medical problems.

Patch is progress

My patchwork isn’t about actual patchwork or quilting or anything. It is about patch work. Meaning, I am putting in the work to patch up my life. Life is always full of ups and downs and I think it is very important to patchwork your life at every phase. Even if things are going good, there should always be something to look forward to and goals you should have in mind so that you have something you can work towards.

It seems as though nothing ever seems to be perfect or even great at all times. Sometime work is going good, my kids are happy, I am good with all my friends and family but I am not getting along with my husband so all the good does not see as good as it really is… does that make sense? How often is everything good all at once and if it is, isn’t that the best feeling. It isn’t easy to say, I love my job, I love my financial situation. I am getting along with everyone and everyone in my life is healthy and happy. Those are rare moments but I am also striving to create the perfect life, even if it lasts for only one day, but hopefully a lot longer.

I have noticed sometimes too that sometimes things feel crazy or chaotic around me and realize that the house is just completely cluttered and disorganized so then I take some time to clean things up and I feel totally better and that helps me be able to focus on the next chore of cleaning up things in my life that are preventing me from being happy.

For some people it may taking a trip to the doctor to see if whatever has been an issue is actually nothing. Others it is paying that long overdue bill but it is always nagging you in the back of your mind.

It is important to patch up your life at all times. Imagine the feeling you have when everything is completely aligned and going good… even if it is just for a day, but hopefully longer.

© 2016 Patch Work Apple

Theme by Anders NorenUp ↑